I went to see a friend last night, whom I hadn’t seen for quite some time. Now that S is overseas, I’m keeping myself extremely busy with my personal business (as opposed to my day-job, in which I’m still busy of course, but I digress).
He mentioned that last time he saw S, she flipped out after another friend commented, yet again, that we should really have kids. There was some comment along the lines of “but it’s obvious Ben’s gagging for kids”.
I almost fell over when he told me that last bit. Sure, I love kids – love ‘em to bits. They’re cute and funny and always surprise you and do things you’d never dream of because they haven’t acquired inhibitions yet. They ask funny questions, which are actually quite serious. Their thirst for knowledge is unquenchable.
And then they cry, or shout, or run away from home, or kick the walls in or damage other property.
No thank you. No really – I love your kids – because when they get shitty, you can have them back, thank you very much.
I have two reasons for not wanting kids, and the selfish aspect of not wanting to deal with little shits, however cute they are, is one of them. I’m just selfish, I want to keep my money and time to myself.
The other reason, the one I told my friend last night, is this little issue of world over population. With the medical advances of the last few centuries, it is now possible to give birth to that which was not meant to live. I don’t mean to be cruel here, but there are many people alive today that should not be. And before you get on your high horse, I’m one of them.
Now this world on which we live has finite resources. Sure, many are renewable, but there’s only so much space to grow stuff that there is a finite quantity available at any one time. These people who should technically not be alive are using resources and producing pollutants that would not be used/produced had nature taken it course and not allowed them to survive. I actually feel rather ill when I hear of people who’s child was born 13 weeks premature and survived. It should have died. Since the dawn of time, the evolutionary path of any species is driven by nature: survival of the fittest. We’re messing with nature, and in turn with our own evolutionary path.
And we should remember that humans are not the only animals on earth, this overpopulation is affecting others too: forests destroyed for residential purposes, water diverted for human use, air poluted for human convenience, the list goes on.
My friend’s counter-argument to this was that none of that should matter. My sole purpose on this world is to produce children to keep my genes in the gene pool. The fact that this would add to a growing problem is not for me to worry about – I have to do my job, and let my kids cope with the consequences.
Who’s selfish now?
You’re gonna bring children into this world which, probably not in their life time, but quite possibly their childrens’, will not be able to sustain the number of animals that inhabit it.
As for it not being my issue to deal with – humans made it everyone’s issue when they shifted the balance of nature. By breaking the rules and helping people who should not have kids reproduce, they have started a downward spiral that I do not wish to subject anyone to with out their consent. Statistically speaking, kids don’t have a say about whether they’ll be born or not (100% of children were born without prior consultation).
I learnt a few interesting things about my friend though. While I perfectly understand his desire to have kids, he cannot fathom my want not to have them. It just doesn’t compute. Something to do with going against the grain of human instincts. It also reconfirmed my inability to have a meaningful discussion with him. Discussions are usually bi-directional. This discussion was more like an anti-tug-of-war, where my arguments were pushed back before they could be delivered. This inability for him to understand my position extends to others as well – the other friend who set S off some weeks back, for example.
There are some people in this world, who are able to understand, though, and I feel so happy when someone does. Not that I need their approval, but I know I won’t be in a 30 minute one-sided discussion. Again.
Writing this has lead me to think again about what I think I’m achieving. Sure, there will be 2.4 fewer people on this planet, and in 30 years time, there will be 5.76 fewer people. Big deal. I hope there are other people out there, and I know there are, who are doing the same. Lots of small steps might go some way to correcting the balance.
Should I kill myself to increase that 2.4 to a 3.4? Perhaps. It would be the logical thing to do. I won’t though.
You see, I have learnt what it is like to be alive, and I wouldn’t want to lose that. Had I not survived my childhood illnesses, I would not have learnt what life was like, and would not have missed it. Unfortunately for me, I like being alive, and will continue to do so for a while.
Before I got married my wife knew my views on having kids. I never have wanted them. Even when I was 14-15 yrs old I remember thinking it was not for me. For many of the reasons posted here and a few others. Overpopulation and the enviroment really dont affect my views either way. People not raising there own kids though! That bothers me. My sister drops my niece off with my mom all the time. Its just free daycare to them. My niece actually calls my mom mom and my sister by her first name.
Now after three years my wife has suddenly changed her mind. She was ok with not having children before. Her freinds and sister have started having families.Am I supposed to just change my mind? We both work. We are not wealthy. Besides working I am a Professional MMA fighter. My time is very limited. It just dosent make sense.
I think we will be getting divorced soon. She has moved out and wont talk to me. I love her so much but she has ruined my life. Everything I knew with her is gone. She is my best freind and she just up and left. All over a kid that isnt even here.
Interesting post, with a lot of excellent points. However, I disagree in general about who “should” and “should not” be alive today based on preserving life through technology; it is fundanmental to human evolution that we do these things, and the first time a human built a fire and wore warm clothes that allowed him to survive a colder winter he had used technology to alter evolution.
Medication allows sick people to live and reproduce the same way shoes allowed people with softer feet to reproduce. As long as we continue to have medication (and shoes) this is not a problem. If we run out of medication (and shoes) nature will fix the problem through natural selection, and someday a more healthy and tougher-soled humanity will contemplate the joys and horrors of childbirth. Or, so I believe.
As to the rest of it, I believe you have hit the nail on the head.
i completely agree ,i mean who my friends think iminsane because im a teen girl who HATES kids .i have 3 nieces all under 5 and i have to play with them ,im glad im not the only one
a 14 yr old girl
byes xxxxx
i feel insulted when im asked if i have a boyfriend or if i want kids
p.s. i hate relationships too lol
I’m not deep enough to think about the earth shattering consequences of having children,such as the lack of natural resources to support over population, its just kids bug the hell out of me. I feel much better having said that, also knowing my luck, I’d probably be responsible for the birth of the antichrist, or at least a Charles Manson wannabe.
Crae,
Everyone has the right to change their mind, in my opinion. What I decide today might not hold true in 3 years time. You’re not *supposed* to change your mind. I’m sure your wife wouldn’t want you to make a decision based on her wants.
There’s no way I can speak for your particular case, as I know nothing about the two of you, but unless there’s more to your history with your wife, I doubt she moved out with the intention to ruin your life.
In my opinion it is better to leave a relationship that isn’t working for you then to stick around just for the sake of the relationship. The latter can cause a person to lose their identity, feel trapped and unhappy. The other person would unknowingly be with someone who isn’t happy, and if they truly love them, they wouldn’t want that.
As I say, I don’t know you, so I might be talking shit, but remember, there are always two sides to every story.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts…
Hi Matthew!
Evolution to learn how to survive the environment we live in is one thing. To alter our bodies to resist the viruses and illnesses that control population is another.
Medical technology allows children who are born with severe asthma to survive. Shoes would not have kept me alive.
It is a fact that humans have overpopulated this planet and are raping it of its natural resources. This growth happened around the time of mass industrialisation and the start of major scientific advances in medical technologies and understanding. I find it hard to believe this is a coincidence.
I see your point but argue that medicine and shoes are closely related but distinct.
Cheers!
Ben
Hi Lizzie!
As I mentioned to Crae, people change their minds. Not long ago I was seriously considering having children again. I don’t believe anyone can truly say *never*
I wonder why you feel insulted when you’re asked if you have a boyfriend or if you want kids. What is it that insults you? It’s a perfectly rational question. It might be personal, and you’re well within your right to tell them you’d prefer not to discuss it, but I would suggest none of the people who have asked you that question intend to insult you.
Thanks for dropping by!
Ben
David! You made me laugh. Thanks for brightening my day
Just chucking more into your soup of thoughts…What is your view on soap? Is that another method of technology “To alter our bodies to resist the viruses and illnesses that control population”?
If you don’t want to have children then don’t. Not wanting them is a bloody good reason not to have them but are you suggesting that we don’t save people when they are all ready here?
Being a midwife I face the consequences of peoples decisions regarding having children everyday. Some good and some bad. I can not get my head around not trying to stop a woman bleeding out after giving birth if she needs that intervention or not helping a neonate to breath if she/he needs it.
You mentioned that you wouldn’t kill yourself to save the planet but would you want to be saved? Example…if your appendix ruptured, medical intervention or take your chance with nature?
Hey V!
People have washed their hands since the dawn of time. Antibacterial and antiviral substances exist in nature already – olive leaves, for example.
But squeezing some pharmaceutical company’s antibacterial gel over my hands because germs are bad is against my religion. Germs are good – build your immune system!
I’m torn on the should we save them once born side of things. On the one hand we have this major issue of overpopulation. On the other hand we are ingrained with a need to procreate, and to not assist a life to survive is a very tough choice to make.
I argue that I should not have survived, but now that I’m sentient and selfish, I would of course want to prolong my life wherever possible. Well, almost.
I’m no medic, so don’t know what procedures would have been followed 500 years ago if someone had a ruptured appendix. If there was no way to save my life back then, then my brain says I should die. Nature should take its course.
My heart, however, tells me to fight to live. I enjoy my life far too much to follow principles that I am internally conflicted with at times.
Hope that’s confused you on my views even more
Ben
Hi Ben,
It occurs to me that perhaps you are not seeing the big picture here. Kids are not about anything other than world domination.
Take my iPhone 4 for example. It was well known internally that it should not have been born and would be for many a huge mistake, but we decided it was for the better of our bloodline (the apple family) to breed again and birth a new product.
You simply must continue the bloodline.
Think of the children…
And the money.
Steve.
Yo Stevo! Stick a shrimp on the barbie and all that. I notice you were in Australia when you posted that comment. Melbourne no less! Fancy a VB? I’m in Windsor. I’ll shout the first round.
I implore you….if you concern is for the planet then you need to breed for the planet.
You seem like an intelligent guy with good genes i.e very good breeding material.
In this world, people with poor genes and lower intelligence* are having all the babies! How is this world ever going to recover if the next generation is not smart enough to stop doing what we have been doing for centuries?
You need to keep the average IQ of the world up so the earth has a chance.
Have you seen the movie Idiocracy**? This is what will happen if you don’t have babies!
*http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fertility_and_intelligence
**http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Idiocracy
If you still don’t want to have babies…then at least keep practising making them.
Hi Trudy!
I’ve heard the nature over nurture argument before and have to disagree. There are plenty of people who are ignorant, polluting and educated. There are also plenty that are caring, conscious, uneducated and come from lower socio-economic backgrounds.
Further, there are many intelligences that are not tested by IQ, which play a large part in how we conduct our lives.
> at least keep practising making them
Oh, to be sure!
It’s very hard being a woman in her 30’s who has no desire for kids. For all the reasons you mentioned. I love to travel, I would one day like to live in a foreign country for no reason other than to just do it, I have no desire to devote 18 plus years of my life to a kid, I really don’t like kids and the world is overpopulated. I have been married 8 years and am blessed with a husband who feels the same way as I do. By none of my friends understand and I have so much stress put on me from my family to have kids. It is a constant fight and no one has a desire to see it from my perspective. Many men don’t want kids. Half of my girlfreinds husbands didn’t want kids but were pressured so much from their wives that they gave in. And are now miserable. But being a woman and not wating kids seems to go against everything that we are taught. I never played with dolls, I have dreamed of the time when I could be a mother and when I met my husband I told him taht kids would not be a part of our future. I am 31 and still feel the same as I did when I was 10. I hope people will one day understand that some women have no desire to be baby-makers. There are more to us than just a need to reproduce.